theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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