i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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