I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
