why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
jump out the window naked night went bad
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
