I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
In America we eat man semen.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
