I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
