just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
