A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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