I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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