Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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