This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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