i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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