omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
