My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
