apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
