You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
