I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
