I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
