You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
