There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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