Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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