I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
