My girlfriend figured out who you are.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
