I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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