You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
