well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
