im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
