I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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