Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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