Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
