no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
