Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
