pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
