Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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