Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
