and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
