Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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