I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
