I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My feet surprised me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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