see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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