I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
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Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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