So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
