Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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