I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
