it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
