I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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