I hope mine doesn't look like that
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
