turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
