I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
