I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I look better un-naked...
She announced her abortion via fbk
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
