OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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