I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
