Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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