I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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