I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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