the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
