the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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