Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i love accidental penises.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We left the knife in your bed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
