i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
