a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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