I'm going to rape someone's good day.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
