Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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