my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
